A PICTURE IS WORTH 1000 WORDS

Isaac is one!

Annika's belly is growing

My sister is a movie star

Something was really funny even Angel was laughing!

Someone suggested Valarie should get a tattoo to cover her scar so she did a homemade tattoo.

Chase and Annika

Cute

Loy reading to us in the morning

Annika is really starting to show!

The garden is growing

I actually planned that! I planted the fuchsia colored flowers in with the purple ones last year, I think it turned out nice. There are hydrangeas behind them too but you can't see them yet. It will take a couple of years for them to get big enough to see.

My grey hair is really filling in!

Happy Birthday Isaac! Love Mya Mya

Pictures!

I have pictures!

Ben

Cuteness!

Joey at a TKD competition. He won 1st place in everything he did!

This is how many boards he broke!

Focus.

Form

I never realized my pond was a heart.

Here is some of the work we have done. David and Joey weeded the path, I am half way done weeding the little flower bed right in the middle of the picture. This shows much weeds there are! The garden area was worse!

The Garden after all the hard work. I pulled out all the mint and herbs I planted in front of the gate last year because they were taking over. I planted Basil and cilantro on the right and I am going to plant some sunflowers with Ben on the left behind the chives and the other thing growing that is a mystery. I'm waiting till it blooms to find out what it is. I know I planted it last year but I can't remember what it is!

The kids enjoying dinner outside

Our five baby kittens are ready for new homes. They are so cute!

I have laughing kittens!

My friend Juli feeding the kitten she is going to take. Now I just need to find homes for the rest of them!

Kittens, weeding, planting, and praying.

I have been very busy. We planted a garden (Laura helped). I'm weeding and cleaning the yard, and our five little kittens are ready for new homes! These pictures are out of order and old but it's all I have right now.

Bunny's five kittens

Bunny in labor. Ghost watching Bunny and wondering what is going on!

I thought this was a cute picture of Laura and the boys.

Ghost found a comfy spot.

My ears you have pierced, I desire to do your will, I am poor and needy

Psalm 40

You God are my help and my Deliverer!

I waited
He heard me
He lifted me up
I stand on a rock
I have a song in my heart
A praise to my God
I pray many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord Jesus
Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust
Do not withhold Your mercy from me, O Lord
May Your love and Your truth always protect me


This is what I am singing today:

Many are they increased that troubled me
Many are they that rise up against me
Many there be which say of my soul
There is no help for him in God

But Thou, oh Lord are a shield for me
My glory and the lifter of my head
Thou, oh Lord are a shield for me
My glory and the lifter of my head

I cried unto the Lord with my voice
And He heard me out of His holy hill
I laid me down and slept and awaked
For the Lord sustained, for He sustained me

Thou, oh Lord are a shield for me
My glory and the lifter of my head
Thou, oh Lord are shield for me
My glory and the lifter of my head

For Thou oh Lord are a shield for me
My glory and the lifter of my head
Of my head
My head

Praise be to the Lord God, the God of Israel, who alone does marvelous deeds.

These are a few of the Psalms that have comforted me the last few days. I just wrote a few verses of each one (read the whole psalm if you have time).

Psalm 72:18,19
Praise be to the Lord God, the God of Israel, who alone does marvelous deeds. Praise be to His glorious name forever, may the whole earth be filled with His glory. Amen and Amen.

Psalm 107
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever.

Psalm 34:1-3
I will extol the Lord at all times; His praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt His name together.

Psalm 42
As the deer pants for streams of water so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?" These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

And also,
1Peter 1:3-9
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade, kept in heaven for you,who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you may not see Him, you love Him, and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

I guess it's time to take the baby tickers down. I started bleeding on Saturday. Sunday was really bad. Until today I didn't really have cramps through the whole thing. Just some mild ones but the blood loss was huge on Sunday. For some reason, today (Wednesday) I am having some strong, painful cramps. Otherwise it has been like a normal period. (except for Sunday) I saw alot of stuff come out but I never saw the baby,.... and I looked. I did not want to flush it down the toilet. On one hand I am sad that I didn't find the baby and on the other hand I am relieved that I didn't have to see it. No matter how at peace I am with the fact that this is what God has chosen it is still awful to have to go through. But God gives hope and He is the lifter of my head!

blood test and ultrasound picture

This is a picture of the first ultrasound. They didn't give me a picture of the second one - probably because there was no heart beat.

I had an appointment on Tuesday the 21st. I knew what would happen before I went to it. I called to see if the doctor would just cancel it. He still wanted me to go in so I did. He pretty much told me of more ways to terminate the pregnancy. I guess there is a hormone or a pill called Misoprostol that makes your body produce a hormone. You put it next to your cervix and it will cause contractions and you will eventually pass the "tissue". Even now, it's not tissue to me, he or she is a baby. It is or was MY baby. It is loved and will have a name! Anyway, he proceeded to tell me how some women, when they find out the baby has died they just want it out and to be done with it. This made me sad. I told him I'm not in a hurry. I want to let things happen naturally. I still have hope because with God anything is possible until the baby comes out in a miscarriage. Yesterday was a very hard day for me. I felt to have this hope I was just being in denial. I was feeling sorry for myself and grieving that I have to give up all that I want and trust God. I got the results of the blood test yesterday. My HCG hormone is down to 15,591 very bad. Loy and I watched a movie last night called "Faith like Potatoes". Go get it and watch it! This man had faith and his faith was severely tested. I was still struggling last night feeling helpless and sad and wondering why and how can this miscarriage glorify God? It seems to me some people will have an attitude of, "well what do you expect doing this at 40 years old?" I am reminded that the goal is not to get a baby although that is desired. The goal is and always was to obey God and trust him. I believe Him and I trust Him. I just feel blind to what God is doing. I don't understand it. This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. The waiting and not knowing has been excruciating - not to mention all the other trials we are going through with Daniel and his family living with us, my daughter Annika pregnant and just married last Monday, and my other 3 teenagers. God was so good to me yesterday and knew exactly what I needed. Shellee called me (she was very sick) and needed help watching Renee while she slept and had the cha cha's (as she calls it) all day long. When she called I had just woken up and felt a dark cloud of sadness over me. I even pulled the covers over my head and started to cry. I cry a lot but when I pull the covers over my head that's when it's really bad. She called and I had to help her - she could barely talk the poor thing! I hung up the phone and cried out to God that He picked the wrong person to go help her. I was feeling like I was about to snap! Loy encouraged me and prayed for me. I really didn't want to do it because I was so wrapped up in my own feelings but I knew God wanted me to help her. It felt so much better to cry with the covers over my head than to get up and go serve my sick sister. I felt like I was going to die or have a complete breakdown. I'm embarassed to confess how I really felt. I'm so selfish and self focused. God knew best though. I had a wonderful time with my sweet niece Renee and didn't feel sorry for myself or mope around all day. When you serve others you can't focus on yourself. I hope this doesn't make you feel bad, Shellee, because I love you and want to help you it just happened at the moment I was at my worst with thinking I will most likely have a miscarriage. I'm so glad you called me and I could help, it saved my day emotionally. If God had not provided me that opportunity, I may have gone into despair. Sorry you had to be sick though. This morning I woke up and the first thing I did was pray, "God why do you delay? If I am going to have a miscarriage, if you are going to take this baby what are you waiting for?" I prayed that if He chooses I know He can make this baby live but I prayed that His will is done whatever He wants but please let it happen soon if He takes the baby. The waiting is so hard.

I got up and went to the bathroom and I had some spotting. It is now 5:30pm and I only had three signs of spotting and some very mild cramps all day so it seems something must be starting. I feel SO much better today than I did yesterday though. I'm not sad at all. I feel like this has been a grieving process. I've been grieving for weeks and God has been giving comfort for weeks. Loy said we will name the baby Corban. The baby is an offering to God freely given and in thankfulness. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord! And, goodbye is not forever!

Ultrasound

I had the ultrasound on Friday. The baby measures about 6 weeks 3 or 4 days. They could not find a heart beat though. They are telling me I will miscarry. I think they are going to push for me to have a D&C because they have already asked me several times about it. I do not want one! I want to just wait on the Lord and if there are complications if I miscarry then I may have to have one. I have no signs yet. Someone in church told me it took her body three months to realize something was wrong before she miscarried. I don't know what will happen. With God anything is possible. I have a friend named Rory at church who knew Annika was pregnant and the day I told her I was pregnant she freaked out and got so excited and told me that she was writing in her journal and she felt we (Loy and Me) were going to be loving on a baby and it would be corban. Corban is the Hebrew word for "an offering set aside for God" Rory said all she could think of was that it must be Annika's baby because Loy and Diane don't have a baby. She jumped up and down saying over and over "IT'S YOUR BABY, IT'S YOUR BABY!!!!" It was a joyful moment and this was before we knew anything was wrong with the baby. Knowing I could have a tubal pregnancy I wondered even then if God would take this baby. This sounds funny but I also was reading a book for two weeks that not only the content of the book was encouraging that God's plans are good and I can trust Him He is sovereign. But the title of the book is "Goodbye Is Not Forever" I freely offer this baby to the Lord if He wants it. The baby is His anyway. I'm thankful for the faith and trust He has worked in me through this so far. I am very excited to see how this will glorify Him. You see no matter if He allows Loy and me to raise this baby or if He takes this Baby It's all good. Everything He allows is good even things that seem bad. As it says in Job THE HAND OF THE LORD HAS DONE THIS! He gives and takes away blessed be the name of the Lord!!