Tomorrow's mighty oak is just today's nut that holds its ground.: November 2008

I have a surgery coming up on December 10th. The surgery is for a Tubal Reversal. I should have done this years ago, but for whatever reasons (fear) God in His sovereignty has put it in our hearts to have the courage and the means to do it now. I am 40 years old. The chances of me having another baby are about 17 to 20 % and decreases every day that goes by. The chances of suffering miscarriages are very high. The chances of having a child with downs syndrome are very high. The chances of having a "tubal" pregnancy are very high. The purpose of the surgery is to correct a wrong decision we made almost 14 years ago. We wanted to trust God and have as many children as God wanted us to have. We wanted to give God control of that area of our lives. Then we had 5 kids in 7 years and life was very hard and we did not rely on the Lord for help and did not see life the way God teaches us to see life. In the book of James God teaches us that we WILL face many trials and hardships and these are positive things. These trials are used by God to conform us to the image of Christ. These hard things perfect us in our faith. Rather we viewed the hardship of 5 kids as negative. Children are a gift from the Lord and we said NO, I don't want anymore of your gifts God. How foolish is that? It doesn't matter if we are good parents or not. It doesn't matter how my 5 kids have turned out.....yet. What matters is if we obey God in spite of our fears, inadequacies and selfish desires that wage war with our spirit. God is in control and the future of my children is in His grace not my ability. This is so hard to accept. I have accepted it not because I want to, but because I have learned to. Whether I fail or succeed the outcome is not guaranteed it is only by Gods grace and His will. All I need to do is submit to Him and He has given me a helper His Spirit. I am learning to walk by faith with my eyes on things eternal not with my eyes on the things of this earth which are passing away and have no value. I have allot of fears. I like being comfortable. I'm kind of lazy. I have a lot to learn and a long way to go. My walk seems to be just beginning not coming to an end. We will have more children even though I am fearful, lazy, comfortable, inadequate, disobedient, unfaithful, and prideful. There is more humbling to be done. The Lord told me to humble myself in His sight and He will lift me up. I haven't been doing this so well so He has been faithful to humble me. I love Him for that. I don't want to be left to my own sinful self, I want to be changed. Even though I am afraid, I feel God is calling us to adopt some day. This is weather we have more biological children or not. Yes this is probably another shock to my family who is reading this because I was asked by my sister why don't we adopt. Actually what she said was "why don't you use the (tubal reversal) money for a tummy tuck and a boob job and adopt a kid". My answer was God would have to do something in me because I fear adopting. It's one thing having a baby by Gods choice and timing its a whole other thing to choose knowing what you are getting into to adopt. The whole truth is while we were still having our 5 babies all those years ago God began to work on my heart even then about adoption. Let's see Daniel is 21 now and 21 years later I still fear and have little faith in a very loving faithful God. I know its pathetic, I'm sorry. It may even seem crazy to you who know me and worry HOW ..... she is not able...... all I can say is....... BUT GOD.